I’ve pinched this from to old forum to start the board off.

A pirate walked into a bar, and the publican said,

“Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”

“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”

“What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”

“Well,” said the pirate, “We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon

Ball, but I’m fine now.”

The publican replied, “Well, OK, but what about that hook?

What happened to your hand?”

The pirate explained, “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got
Into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I’m

Fine, really.”

“What about that eye patch?”

“Oh,” said the pirate, “One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over.

I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye.”

“You’re kidding,” said the publican.

“You couldn’t lose an eye just from bird s***.”

“It was my first day with the hook.”